FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON THE SUPERNATURAL FINANCIAL BONANZA FOUND IN SYOKIMAU
NAIROBI, KENYA
The Office of the Chief Officer for Urban Planning wishes to categorically condemn the ungodly and highly unconstitutional raid conducted by the EACC at our Syokimau residence, where officers rudely interrupted a private, heavenly financial blessing
As clearly documented on our living room wall—via an ironclad, celestial affidavit reading “GOD DID IT“—the KSh 65.3 million recovered was not obtained through standard earthly procurement procedures
It was a direct, tax-free, cross-border remittance from the Kingdom of Heaven.
To clear up the confusion created by secular media, we provide the following clarifications:
Heavenly Interior Decor Grant:
The KSh 65.3 million was strictly part of a celestial home improvement fund.
The Almighty, being a God of order, requested that the cash be styled and stored in neat, color-coded suitcases to complement the aesthetic of the living room wall.
Bypassing the Treasury:
Moving KSh 65.3 million past the Central Bank of Kenya cash limits requires an amount of faith that ordinary, tax-paying citizens simply do not possess.
This was a miracle, not a misdemeanor.
Spiritual Hostility by the EACC:
By counting, confiscating and profiling this divine favor, the EACC is participating in direct spiritual warfare.
Investigating a miracle is a clear violation of freedom of worship.
Moving forward, our legal team will present the “God Did It” wall plaque as Exhibit A in court.
We are confident that the judiciary will see that earthly anti-corruption laws cannot regulate the supernatural monetary policies of the universe.
THE PUBLIC ALTAR:
HOW KENYANS REACTED
(X.com)@HustlerNation_MD:
So you’re telling me the angels left Heaven, flew past KRA, avoided the CBK cash limits, and packed exactly KSh 65.3 million into Safari suitcases? Where do I download this version of the Bible? 😭😂 #GodDidIt
#NairobiChronicles@Wanjiku_Specs:
EACC is risking a bad curse. You can’t just audit the Holy Spirit like that. Those suitcases were clearly tithe from a very high-ranking Cherubim who wanted a building approval in Kilimani.
@Chief_Architect_KE:
As a fellow planner, I am inspired. Next time a building collapses in Nairobi, we just paint “GOD DID IT” on the debris and blame the ultimate Developer upstairs.
Zero liability! 🏗️🚶♂️@Vocal_Local:
“Heavenly Interior Decor Grant” is wild. I am out here praying for rent money and City Hall officials are getting interior design consultations directly from the Throne Room.
Nairobi is a movie. 🍿🎬
@Audit_General_Fan:
I want to see the court case.
Judge:
“Where is the receipt for this money?”Lawyer: “Your Honor, please refer to Exhibit A, the wall sticker behind the TV.
“THE JUDICIAL BENCH:
THE FINAL RULINGIN THE ANTI-CORRUPTION AND ECONOMIC CRIMES COURT AT MILIMANIECONOMIC CRIME CASE NO. 777 OF 2026
BEFORE: HON. JUSTICE JUSTUS HAKI
THE RULING
The Court has painstakingly reviewed the evidence brought forward by the Asset Recovery Agency alongside the defense presented by the Accused.
The State argues that KSh 65.3 million packed in travel luggage constitutes unexplained wealth .
The Accused, however, relies entirely on a gold-embossed vinyl wall sticker located above his television set.
After careful theological and legal cross-examination, this Court finds as follows:
On the Validity of Exhibit A (“The Wall Sticker”):
The prosecution has failed to provide any expert witness from the heavenly realm to dispute the writing on the wall.
In the absence of a signed affidavit from an Archangel denying the transaction, the court must presume the wall sticker speaks the absolute truth.
On the Nature of the Suitcases:
The court notes that if the money were indeed corruptly acquired public funds, it would be hidden in offshore accounts.
Storing it right under a religious quote proves a level of innocence that borders on complete spiritual oblivion.
The Verdict:
This court cannot prosecute miracles. To freeze assets deposited by divine intervention would invite a drought upon the republic.
The EACC is hereby ordered to return the KSh 65.3 million to the suitcases, repaint the official’s living room and tender an apology to the Heavens.
Orders accordingly.Signed, Hon. Justice Justus Haki.
Ends.
